Tuesday, April 14, 2020

artist.and 4.14.2020

My sister found this account on Instagram. They post daily writing prompts. Follow them and write along with me.

Yesterday my name was anxiety.
Heart aching.
Heat radiating.
Gasping for air.
Borrowing trouble.
Stealing my own joy.
Imprisoned by worry.


Tomorrow my name will be peace.
I will take the pills
And say the prayers 
And recite the verses.
Knowing I am loved and
Seen and felt by the Author
Who knew me yesterday and tomorrow.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Quarantine Homeschooling: Behavior


Some of you are finding out why your little angels had to "clip down" or "change their color" or walk laps at recess so often. Handling behavior in conjunction with learning, as opposed to just their regular free time after school, is a whole new ballgame. Welcome to it.

Your kids are used to you being just mom or just dad. Now, you have to establish yourself as teacher, too. Again, kids thrive when they know what is expected of them. This is true with schedules as well as behavior.

I read somewhere that if you do not like your kid, no one else does either. Ouch. I'm not sure how much I agree with that, but I will say, YOU are the parent. If you are not enjoying your time with your kids, fix it. If you try one method and see no results, try something else. We are in this for the long haul. This is our new job. We can either hate this time, or make this be a fun time.

Here are some tips from one Momma trying to make it work in Texas. DISCLAIMER: These things work about 80% of the time on a good day. On bad days, please do not talk to me.

First off, you need to have a family meeting with all of your children young and old. Be up front and honest with them. Talk to them about the importance of keeping up with their learning while we are all at home. Do NOT make any promises such as, "This will all be over in a few weeks, or a month, or a year." Tell them the truth. Kids can see through lies better than you think.

OVER-ACHIEVERS: Second, ask them to tell you what they think would be good rules to have during school time at home. Explain that these rules might be the same and some might be different than the regular rules your house has. Make a large list of suggested rules. Guide them to group like rules together. Then, several rules can be made into a few major rules. For example: "Talk to the teacher (YOU) with a kind tone", "do not argue", and "obey the first time" can all be grouped together into the rule: "Respect your teacher"

EVERYONE ELSE: Second, make a simple list of school time rules yourself. Try to make the rules reflect what they need to DO, instead of what they should NOT do. These could include but of course are not limited to:
1. Respect your teacher - that's YOU (speak with a respectful tone, no arguing, obeying the first time)
2. Respect your classmates - that's their siblings (do not distract them from learning, stay in your own space, take turns with technology, speak with a respectful tone, speak encouraging words)
3. Respect yourself  (speak kindly of yourself and your abilities, do your best work, take breaks when you need them, keep yourself clean)
4. Respect the classroom - wherever you are having school (take care of supplies, keep a clean work environment,
5. Respect others when using Technology (only speak/type with kindness, mute yourself when not speaking in Zoom meetings, dress appropriately when using the camera)

Thirdpost said rules somewhere to remind your kids what expectations are during school hours. NOTE: This is something you will see on the walls of nearly all effective classroom instructors. For the first several days, have kids read through the rules with you before starting class each day. Have them give examples of following the rules and examples of breaking the rules. When your child breaks a rule, have them look at the list and tell you what they should be doing, instead.

Fourth, create a system of rewards and consequences. In ye olden days of the 80s and 90s, behavior was generally handled with consequences only. You probably have memories of names on the board with checks by them but few memories of kids being rewarded regularly for good choices. My first grade class had everyone's name on an apple in a tree. When you got in trouble, you were being a bad apple, and your apple started falling off the tree. Yikes. Nowadays most classrooms offer rewards and consequences - leaning towards positive reinforcement. In the classroom often times this looks like praising the kids making good choices, instead of focusing on those making poor choices. This will look different for each of your homes. Much of it is figuring out what makes you kids tick. Candy? Free time? Screen time? One-on-one reading time with a parent? Outside play? Stickers? Allowance?

In our house, my kids will do just about anything for one M&M. We have a glass jar of M&Ms in the middle of our dining room table, right where everyone can see it as we work. At the end of each subject or chunk of the day, kids who have followed all the rules WITHOUT COMPLAINING, get an M&M. While we are working, if one of my kids starts acting up, I just tap the jar and they usually pull it together. This takes care of the reward and consequence all in one. It also allows everyone an opportunity to start over multiple times in a day. We all need this measure of grace during this time.

Fifth, give your children time to cool off or take breaks as needed. One of my children gets frustrated with himself easily, then cannot calm down and refocus. When he reaches this point, he goes to his room and takes deep breaths in his bed. Some days this is for me as much as it is for him. He is allowed to come back once he calms down and is ready to learn. Your classroom schedule also helps with built-in breaks. If your child finishes a subject before the time for it is up, then they get free time, extra screen time, special reading time with you, etc.

Sixth, when YOU break one of the rules, apologize to your children and work to make things right. Maybe you get so frustrated that you yell. Maybe you speak with a sarcastic, mean tone. Maybe you scream at them that "I AM NOT TEACHER SO-AND-SO WHO IS PERFECT AND CAN OBVIOUSLY DO NO WRONG!" Stop. Tell them you are sorry and ask for forgiveness for the specific thing you did. This teaches your kids how to respond when they make mistakes. Our kids are watching us now more than ever. All. Day. Long.

Seventh, pray for your children. Pray for them by yourself each morning before you start class. Pray for love, patience, kindness, to not be easily angered, to always respect them, and for perseverance. Pray WITH your kids to start the class day. Pray together when they are having a tough time. Pray together when they are doing great. You need the Lord for this time. You cannot do it effectively alone.

What have you done for behavior that works?

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Quarantine Homeschooling: Setting a Schedule

A microscopic organism has brought our world to its knees. And now we are all homeschoolers.

Everyone calm down and breathe. This old elementary teacher has some unsolicited pearls of wisdom to share with you, dear ones.

I've taught public, private-home hybrid, and homeschooled, and I can tell you the most important gift you can give yourself and your child is a schedule. You heard me right. A schedule.

Children (and employees, for that matter) thrive when they know what is expected of them. Visit the classroom of any seasoned teacher and you will inevitably see a posted schedule. The only way to stay sane during this time is to create and post a daily schedule. Now is not the time to worry about what your dining room wall looks like. No one can come over, anyway. Print a copy for your older kids and post everyone's schedule to the wall.

But hold on! Before you create some amazing Pinterest craft or tattoo your schedule somewhere tasteful, take some time to think through the logistics.

Things to consider:
  1. Children need breaks. Do not attempt to complete all subjects back to back. Sprinkle in recess, lunch, PE, snacks, chores, etc.
  2. What do YOU need on the schedule? Zoom meetings? Meal prep? Chores? Add that stuff in.
  3. Children close in age can share the same or similar schedules.
  4. What do you want to do all together? Bible? Read Aloud? Lunch? PE? Recess?
  5. Which children can be independent in which subjects?
  6. Which children need internet access/devices for which subjects? You may have to alternate schedules if you have a limited number of devices.

Morning Routine
As much as possible, have the morning routine be together as a family. This may be the first time your family has had the opportunity to make this a reality. Small blessings abound in these dark times.

To make this work and not lose your mind, you have to get going each day. Wake up together. Make sure everyone has eaten, dressed, cleaned the kitchen, and brushed teeth BEFORE the first item on their schedule. This is vital to getting the day going.

Set. An. Alarm. If that makes you cringe, set it for later than normal. If you used to have to wake up at 6:00 (yikes), then set it for an hour later. Make it a time that you know is best for your family. This will be different for everyone, and it will shape the rest of your day. At our house, the amazing Alexa starts playing our favorite radio station when it is time to wake up. She is set to turn off when it is time to report to the living room for class.

Most schools have a morning assembly or announcement time to prepare students for the day. I highly recommend this. For our family, we meet in the living room dressed and ready to go. We start the day singing a song with YouTube, praying, and having our Bible lesson. For our multi-age family, this is the last time we are all together until lunch.

Recess & PE
Do not leave these all-important subjects out! To differentiate between the two, recess is kid-directed play. Unless you are in a torrential downpour, make your kids go outside. They need the fresh air and the break. You need the peace and quiet.

PE is directed physical activity. This can include the whole family. You are the leader of this. For optimal buy-in from the kids, you need to participate in all activities. Options abound:

  1. Go for a walk*
  2. Go for a bike ride*
  3. Backyard kickball
  4. YouTube
    1. Yoga
    2. Indoor Recess
  5. Wii Fit or other ACTIVE game
  6. Indoor hide-and-seek

* Only if still allowed in your area and you can practice social distancing of 6ft.

Younger Children 4th-ish grade & down
These children will require lots of one-on-one time. Problem is, you probably do not have tons of free time laying around, especially now. Mapping our your day will help your kids know when they have you with them (and when they need to leave you alone).

Smaller children can concentrate better in the morning. Try to set Language and Math before lunch.
Kinder & 1st Grade


Older Children 5th-ish grade & up
My advice for children with multiple teachers is to follow the same schedule they have at school. Even this small measure will provide some sense of stability for your child. Keeping things as close to normal as possible is the name of the game.

5th Grade & Up


Include each teacher's name and email address here, as well. By this age, students should be able to contact their teachers with questions on their own. At this age, you are more of a facilitator and encourager.

WARNING: Do not allow them to work on any type of electronic device in their bedroom. This is a hard and fast rule at our house. Having anything in your child's room with access to the internet invites the world in. Do they complain about trouble concentrating? That's why God invented headphones. Stick to your guns on this one. Their safety and innocence is more important than any excuse they could offer.

Encouragement
After you make your glorious schedule, you will feel free. You will feel ready to conquer the world! You will skip gleefully to the dining table only to discover by 9:30 that your beautiful schedule requires major repairs. Have no fear. Thus is why we held off on the tattoo. Feel free to make changes. Just make sure you let your employees - I mean kids - know about the changes and repost the new schedule.

People, we can do this with the Lord's help. If you don't know Jesus, now is the time. Trust me, because you are going to need Him until school starts back up again. Blessings to you all. Go and make schedules.

Monday, March 23, 2020

Building a Family: Part 19

April 20, 2016

OUR Peter,

Just four months after Joe's adoption, we head downtown for another miracle. You boys wear your same suits from our last visit to the courthouse. The strut you two have in suits is a thing to behold. So much pride in that stride.

You have been in our home for 21 months. Some of those months have been unbearably difficult. Listening to you cry seriously all the time for months, except when being held. Discovering a fire ant allergy the hard way. Taking you for weekly shots for said allergy.

But most months have been wonderful. You graft into our family so quickly. Perhaps it is because you were so young when you came to us - only seven months old. Perhaps it is because we were ready for you. Most assuredly it is because God placed you in our family. He chose us for you and you for us.

Waiting our turn in the courtroom
Your jet black eyes dance as we wait our turn. The judge calls us all up to celebrate. Stuffed animals line the walls behind her bench. You pick out George, your now faithful monkey, to take home. You still snuggle him most nights.

First OFFICIAL Family Photo
On the steps outside the courthouse, we joyfully pose for our first family photo with SIX Hills. My heart is bursting. I know you will be in our photos again and again through the years. On Easters in our finery and Christmases in pajamas from Meme. At your high school graduation. Maybe even your wedding. YIKES!

Each photo we take together is like an affirmation that you are ours and we are yours. Each one is precious to me. Each one makes me eternally grateful to the God of Heaven who grafted you into our family.

The day Pete's birth certificate came in the mail
Our joy is even more complete the day your birth certificate arrives. Unexpected tears form as we see your name - and our name - on an official document. Now the world knows what we have known all along. You are our son. Part of our forever family.

My darling, we will not always do it right. We will mess things up. I am sure we already have. But know this: we love you deep and fierce. That love is always and forever and unchanging.

Know one thing more. Something even more important. Deeper and longer and more immutable than our love for you is the love the Lord has for you. He saw you long before us and will know you long after us. This is perhaps the most important reason God placed you with us - to be taught the love of Christ Jesus, Our Lord.

Building a Family: Part 18

Our Joseph,

I did not give birth to you.  You did not grow inside me.  I did not feel the fluttering of you limbs and wonder if you would be a boy or a girl.  We did not have to wait 9 months for you to be part of our family.

We had to wait 16 months. Sixteen months of not knowing. Would you be our son?

Finally it was time. Thursday morning. December 17, 2015. We had been waiting for this day for so long. Was it really going to happen? Or would there be more delays?


Posted originally: Monday, March 28, 2016

God Added


We had two beautiful girls.  Our sweet little family was complete in our eyes.  How narrow our vision can be when we do not look through the eyes of our Lord.

It started so small in the backs of our minds.  This notion of foster care adoption.  We had dear friends who had traveled this path ahead of us.  Each time we saw them God inched us closer.  We began praying about the possibility.  Then God pulled out the big guns and sent someone to our church to speak about orphan care.  As God was growing this dream of you in our hearts, He was also growing you in your birth mother's womb.

But God knew you were our son.

We finally took the plunge and went to the first of MANY foster care training classes.  Eight days later, you were born.  (That God with His timing.  Love Him.)  Over the next several months, our lives were polar opposites.  While we learned why children enter foster care, you were living it.  As we listened to horror stories, you were in one.  My heart was broken then before I ever knew you.

All the while we were praying.  We did not know who we were praying for.

But God knew you were our son.

Our licensing process was complete around the same time you were placed in a safe home - but not our home.  The next year was marked by heartache.  We cried as child after child came and went from our home.  You were shuffled from person to person.  Somewhere you cried as they moved you to yet another home.

Through our heartache, we prayed for God to send us a forever child.  We did not know who we were praying for.

But God knew you were our son.

You came home to us one heart-breaking night, darling boy.  Oh how we prayed that God would add you to our forever family.  It was supposed to be a simple adoption.  But, as is our shared experience, nothing is simple.  We wanted you to be our forever son, but there were so many roadblocks.  So many unexpected twists.  People far and wide were praying for you with all their might.  We began to lose hope.

But God knew you were our son.

Court hearings.  Lawyer visits.  Back and forth.  Months of being in the lurch.  Then, suddenly, it was happening - so quickly that not all the family could make it there to witness the miracle of your adoption.  And it was a miracle.  We stood before the judge to hear the words God already knew.

You were our son.

Outside the courthouse post-adoption
Every night we pray together.  We sit in a circle on the bedroom floor.  And every night you pray, "Dear God, Thank you for my family."

That is the prayer of our hearts, too, my son.

Building a Family: Part 17

Posted originally: Tuesday, September 29, 2015


Someday

Man alive!  Anyone who says being a parent is easy is a big, fat, hairy LIAR.  Or perhaps they just don't have children.  If the former, confess and God will forgive your sins.  He is nice like that.  If the latter, you are right.  Parenting is so easy.  You should have a few and give me a call when the first turns three.

I have four children right now.  Two are flesh of my flesh.  Two are heart of my heart.  This many blessings means Momma does not get to see movies when they are first released.

Therefore, I just watched Philomena for the first time.  This movie has torn me up.  I realize my previous sentence is hardly a compelling incentive to watch said movie, but if you have not seen it, you should go fix that problem right now.

Philomena got me thinking.  Isn't that what all great art should do?  But these thoughts - good gravy!  My brain is crowded with them.  There is no way to categorize them or silence them.  Thoughts about birth-parents.  About when our children grow up.

It got me wondering when our heart-children will someday want to know about their birth-parents.  Right now, our loves do not really know they are in foster care.  At one and two-years-old, all they know is they are home, and we are their parents.  As they grow up, they will know they are adopted.  We do not plan to ever keep that a secret.  We already talk about it now.  That is the easy part - knowing they will know.
The hard part is divulging their story.  Questions swirl in my head.  What do we tell them?  How young is too young to know of some of life's harshest realities?  How much do we share?  What is too much?  When should we share their birth-parents' names?

Each question brings another question.

Even though we clearly have more questions than answers, I want our children to know they can ask us anything.  I do not want them to ever feel like some things are "off limits" to discuss.  This is their life.  So...
My Darling Heart-Child,

Today you splashed in puddles with your sisters. You giggled and danced about in the water.  While you enjoyed the blissful existence that is childhood, I sat thinking about someday.
You see, someday you may want to know about your birth-parents.  You may want to see a picture of them.  You might want to know what kind of people they are.  Where they are.  Why you were removed.  This is normal.  It in no way will diminish the love we share.

I will not have all the answers you seek, but some facts I will know.  This information will be guarded until you are ready.
On that someday, if you want to know more, I will search with you.  I will hold your hand.  I will stand beside you.  I will cry with you.  I will be angry with you.  I will forgive with you.  Most importantly, I will PRAY with you and just BE THERE.

But you know what?  Someday might not come for you.  You may decide you do not want to know.  That is completely fine and normal, too.  There is no rule book to adoption that must be followed.

Whatever you decide, know this, dear one, God created a breathtakingly beautiful YOU from your birth-parents.  For that, I will be eternally grateful to Him and them.  Being your momma is my joy, my dream come true, my long prayed for miracle.

Love,

Momma

Become a Foster Parent

Building a Family: Part 16

Dear Peter,

This was written to your birth mother on your last visit with her.  What a mix of emotions we all felt.  We knew this was best.  She could not keep you safe.  But our hearts still broke for her.  And for you.  

We know one day you will have questions.  One of the main reasons I am doing this series is to have a unified, chronological account of you and your brother's life stories.  Parts of them are hard, just like mine and everyone else's.  You just had the hard parts much younger than most.

Posted originally: Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Dear Birth Mom

Today I brought your son to you for a goodbye visit.

He screams as he leaves my arms.  The pain in your eyes - I have to look away.

You get two hours.

Two hours to say goodbye to the little boy who once lived inside you.  Your only son.  Are you remembering the first time you felt him move inside your womb?  Do you see his dimple and think about the first time he smiled at you?

Then it is time.  What must have passed all too quickly for you seemed an eternity to me.  He excitedly reaches for me squealing, "Mama," and I see your defeat.

I put him in the car.  You lean in once more for your last kiss, and I close the door.

You hug me and plead with me, "Make sure he remembers how much I love him."

I hug you back, "Of course."

And this song starts playing in my head.  Songs tend to haunt me.  Lurking in my mind.  Cropping up when I least expect them to.  This one has been following me for several months now.  Tonight, I hear it, and my heart breaks for you, dear birth mother.


Tomorrow we will stand before a judge to hear one word:

Termination.

The word we have been waiting to hear.  The very word you dread.

I had been eagerly anticipating this day, but after today I am just a mangled mess of emotions.

It is so easy to judge a person's actions from afar.  But the foster care process is not one that can be viewed from afar.  We have had a front row seat for all of your failures.  But we also have learned your past.  Where you came from.

Who would I be today if I had lived your life?  Born into a broken home.  Unwanted by my own mother.  Surrounded on all sides by drugs and violence.

I pray for you.  That you become free of your addictions.  That you are able to "lay down your burdens" and find "earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal."

I find myself imagining Heaven.  Us sitting at the table together and seeing him run to us.  Knowing us both as Mama.  You see, he is not your son, or my son.  He is our son.  You chose life, when death would have been much easier.  For that, I will be forever grateful to you.



You are far.  Far from where you need to be.  But you are not too far.  There is no such thing.  Jesus longs to see you healed.  Maybe one day you can be in your son's life again.  Until then, I will guard him.  I will be Mama to him.

One day.  One day, dear.  The addictions will lose their power.  One day you will find something of his and feel the pain all over again.  I know this does not make it easier, but know he is loved.  Fiercely.